Chasing waterfalls
Joy ♥15 October 1992
NUS YLLSoM class of 2016
God, squirrels, puppies, singing, reading, travelling, long walks, stars
"It is raw and it is so damn real you want to run away just to soak it up and take it in. The soul mate. The one you feel vibrate when they are a thousand miles away. The one you hear whisper when they think about you. The one who lets you move freely but embraces your shadow from afar. That one. The one you feel like you have known for a million years."
- Unknown
Failure
Saturday, December 19, 2015, 11:27 PM
I'm here to rant again about my incompetence and inefficiency and uselessness. I note an increasing amount of all these negative posts of late and I'm sorry but I just really need to talk about how freaking stupid a person I am. But yeah actually I don't have much to say because it's the same things over and over again. Okay idk what my point is anymore I'm being retarded.
Got home after neuro lecture today and slept like a dumb fag (Thanks, chronic sleep deprivation. Which, again, can be heavily attributed to my inefficiency and incompetence and uselessness.) and then tried to study neuro after dinner and got more confused (Hi brain you're damn stupid thanks. Stop struggling with even simple concepts damn it. Oh wait you may not even be there.) and now it's almost 11.30pm and lol about time to sleep again.
Other things that recently contributed to my negativity include failing to set a plug on a patient. Yup I failed to set a damn plug. Med school is ending in 2 months and here I am, unable to even set a stupid plug on my patient. I'm going to make them all dehydrate and die wtf. Joy you're a fucking stupid idiot how are you ever gonna pass MBBS. You don't deserve to pass at all. You're not smart enough or skilled enough or competent enough. It's been 5 years and you're still the same dumb noob you were 5 years ago. 5 whole years of medical school have been wasted on you wtf are you doing
I've been fluctuating between feeling super motivated and feeling like a total piece useless shit these days, within a single day. It scares me how low my moods can go lately. I realize it's always easy to try to comfort and encourage another person when they're down, but when it comes to myself I'm just foolishly adamant about all these negativity. It's strange how just a few hours ago I was encouraging someone else to study hard. Just a few hours ago I was still feeling motivated. But now here I am.
I wish it were that easy to fill myself up with optimism and positivity. I've tried to pray about it but my mind has been too cluttered and idk I just gave up. If everyone's walk of faith has its high and low moments, then this must be one of the lowest. On days like this it's getting increasingly hard to stay positive and keep my eyes on the big picture... sigh.
Got home after neuro lecture today and slept like a dumb fag (Thanks, chronic sleep deprivation. Which, again, can be heavily attributed to my inefficiency and incompetence and uselessness.) and then tried to study neuro after dinner and got more confused (Hi brain you're damn stupid thanks. Stop struggling with even simple concepts damn it. Oh wait you may not even be there.) and now it's almost 11.30pm and lol about time to sleep again.
Other things that recently contributed to my negativity include failing to set a plug on a patient. Yup I failed to set a damn plug. Med school is ending in 2 months and here I am, unable to even set a stupid plug on my patient. I'm going to make them all dehydrate and die wtf. Joy you're a fucking stupid idiot how are you ever gonna pass MBBS. You don't deserve to pass at all. You're not smart enough or skilled enough or competent enough. It's been 5 years and you're still the same dumb noob you were 5 years ago. 5 whole years of medical school have been wasted on you wtf are you doing
I've been fluctuating between feeling super motivated and feeling like a total piece useless shit these days, within a single day. It scares me how low my moods can go lately. I realize it's always easy to try to comfort and encourage another person when they're down, but when it comes to myself I'm just foolishly adamant about all these negativity. It's strange how just a few hours ago I was encouraging someone else to study hard. Just a few hours ago I was still feeling motivated. But now here I am.
I wish it were that easy to fill myself up with optimism and positivity. I've tried to pray about it but my mind has been too cluttered and idk I just gave up. If everyone's walk of faith has its high and low moments, then this must be one of the lowest. On days like this it's getting increasingly hard to stay positive and keep my eyes on the big picture... sigh.
I can really feel MBBS starting to take a toll on my emotional wellbeing; the amount of stress there is to deal with is unreal. Anyway I'm so mentally tired right now and am feeling too defeated to continue studying, so imma go to bed soon... another long day of neuro lectures tomorrow.