Chasing waterfalls
Joy ♥15 October 1992
NUS YLLSoM class of 2016
God, squirrels, puppies, singing, reading, travelling, long walks, stars
"It is raw and it is so damn real you want to run away just to soak it up and take it in. The soul mate. The one you feel vibrate when they are a thousand miles away. The one you hear whisper when they think about you. The one who lets you move freely but embraces your shadow from afar. That one. The one you feel like you have known for a million years."
- Unknown
Burnt out
Thursday, December 17, 2015, 11:38 PM
Can't keep my eyes open to study and I'm so chronically tired and sleepy every night. And 90% of my day is gone because of SIP/school. It's times like this that truly make you question everything and seriously wonder if you were ever cut out for med school and whether you've actually achieved anything over the past 5 years and if you're gonna end up killing every single one of your patients in the (bloody near) future because you're so slow and inefficient and incompetent and sleep-deprived and tired in every possible way be it physically or emotionally. Or at least that's the case for me...
I've been so unproductive today. Especially after dinner tonight. So so so unbelievably irritated with myself whenever I don't get shit done because my eyes keep closing like retards when I have stuff to study and prepare for school tomorrow. Literally the bulk of my time at home every single day (aka whatever sad, miniscule amount of time that's left after I've drained 90% of my day and energy/strength/hope/happiness/optimism/good vibes away in school) is spent struggling to study + struggling to stay awake.
And I don't get shit done.
Honestly I KEEP dozing off I'm really pissing the shit out of myself. I'm sorry I say shit too much. But I really feel like shit.
I think the countdown to MBBS is close to... 70 days? Can't be bothered to check my app right now but I rmb a few days ago it was 75. Every time I check that countdown app of mine I get a little scare and hyperventilate and die a little on the inside and like have a small mental breakdown/panic attack. The burnout is so very real. Gen med SIP is nowhere as physically demanding as my GS posting in SGH, yet I don't feel any less tired/drained. Could be the cumulative effect of all my previous postings finally starting to kick in. Could be the fact that MBBS is coming. Could be the fact that I am not even remotely close to being ready for this final, final exam.
The thing about medicine is... while it's easy to be filled to the brim with passion on Day 1 and easy to promise that this passion is never going to go away and will be able to carry you through whatever shitty challenges med school puts you through, you never really know until you actually put it to test. Your words mean nothing until they've endured whatever horrible things they promised so beautifully to endure. And let me tell you - it is pretty damn hard. I think I've broken down/cried more times over the past 5 years than in secondary school and JC years... from stress and everything else. And it doesn't help that everyone else around me seems to have their shit together and can recite all 2984358947 causes of a particular condition with great ease and finesse. I've always had this really bad inferiority complex all my life, along with a self-esteem so low that if it went any further down it'd emerge from the other side of the Earth. And med school has done nothing to help with that. It's really incredibly physically and emotionally draining. Yes I did once tell myself and my panel of interviewers that I have this amazing passion and that I really understand that medicine is not gonna be all blue skies and butterflies, but the present me now knows that young naive Joy was the most clueless girl ever who had no idea what she was talking about when she said all that. And she probably overestimated herself as well, because she's nowhere as resilient and strong as she had promised to be. I mean, on good days it's all good, but on bad days I just really feel like giving up and running away and taking a long break from all this.
Sigh. It's so easy to get disillusioned and jaded in medicine... and all these challenges and stresses are gonna keep threatening to put out that fire in you. Over and over again. Sometimes they get really close to doing that. It's like you're there standing by the sea trying to anchor your feet firmly in the sand but these strong waves just keep hitting you over and over again and they're growing stronger and taller each time and you're so close to breaking once and for all. Sometimes it's so tempting to entertain the idea of just giving up and letting these waves take over and swallow you whole so you never have to fight them again. That said, the strange thing is - no matter how many times I wonder if I'm truly suited for medicine and question if I've made the right decision, I've never once truly regretted it; if I went back in time and were given a chance to decide all over again, I'd still pick this path for myself. But yeah, medicine really puts every single aspect of an individual to test - physically, psychologically, spiritually. All I can say is that it's getting increasingly tiring and stressful for me as I approach the end of my 5 years of med school, but I hope I'll be strong enough to face whatever that's gonna come. After all, graduation is really only the beginning. No idea how working life will be like, but yeah I sure hope I'll be strong enough.
Not feeling it tonight though. Don't feel strong at all, feeling rather defeated right now honestly, but yeah that's probably just my lack of sleep and frustration talking...
Gosh it's 11.38pm. I wanted to sleep earlier tonight but I just had to let all of these out. Apologies for all the negativity in this post sigh. I'll try to write a more positive one next time.
I've been so unproductive today. Especially after dinner tonight. So so so unbelievably irritated with myself whenever I don't get shit done because my eyes keep closing like retards when I have stuff to study and prepare for school tomorrow. Literally the bulk of my time at home every single day (aka whatever sad, miniscule amount of time that's left after I've drained 90% of my day and energy/strength/hope/happiness/optimism/good vibes away in school) is spent struggling to study + struggling to stay awake.
And I don't get shit done.
Honestly I KEEP dozing off I'm really pissing the shit out of myself. I'm sorry I say shit too much. But I really feel like shit.
I think the countdown to MBBS is close to... 70 days? Can't be bothered to check my app right now but I rmb a few days ago it was 75. Every time I check that countdown app of mine I get a little scare and hyperventilate and die a little on the inside and like have a small mental breakdown/panic attack. The burnout is so very real. Gen med SIP is nowhere as physically demanding as my GS posting in SGH, yet I don't feel any less tired/drained. Could be the cumulative effect of all my previous postings finally starting to kick in. Could be the fact that MBBS is coming. Could be the fact that I am not even remotely close to being ready for this final, final exam.
The thing about medicine is... while it's easy to be filled to the brim with passion on Day 1 and easy to promise that this passion is never going to go away and will be able to carry you through whatever shitty challenges med school puts you through, you never really know until you actually put it to test. Your words mean nothing until they've endured whatever horrible things they promised so beautifully to endure. And let me tell you - it is pretty damn hard. I think I've broken down/cried more times over the past 5 years than in secondary school and JC years... from stress and everything else. And it doesn't help that everyone else around me seems to have their shit together and can recite all 2984358947 causes of a particular condition with great ease and finesse. I've always had this really bad inferiority complex all my life, along with a self-esteem so low that if it went any further down it'd emerge from the other side of the Earth. And med school has done nothing to help with that. It's really incredibly physically and emotionally draining. Yes I did once tell myself and my panel of interviewers that I have this amazing passion and that I really understand that medicine is not gonna be all blue skies and butterflies, but the present me now knows that young naive Joy was the most clueless girl ever who had no idea what she was talking about when she said all that. And she probably overestimated herself as well, because she's nowhere as resilient and strong as she had promised to be. I mean, on good days it's all good, but on bad days I just really feel like giving up and running away and taking a long break from all this.
Sigh. It's so easy to get disillusioned and jaded in medicine... and all these challenges and stresses are gonna keep threatening to put out that fire in you. Over and over again. Sometimes they get really close to doing that. It's like you're there standing by the sea trying to anchor your feet firmly in the sand but these strong waves just keep hitting you over and over again and they're growing stronger and taller each time and you're so close to breaking once and for all. Sometimes it's so tempting to entertain the idea of just giving up and letting these waves take over and swallow you whole so you never have to fight them again. That said, the strange thing is - no matter how many times I wonder if I'm truly suited for medicine and question if I've made the right decision, I've never once truly regretted it; if I went back in time and were given a chance to decide all over again, I'd still pick this path for myself. But yeah, medicine really puts every single aspect of an individual to test - physically, psychologically, spiritually. All I can say is that it's getting increasingly tiring and stressful for me as I approach the end of my 5 years of med school, but I hope I'll be strong enough to face whatever that's gonna come. After all, graduation is really only the beginning. No idea how working life will be like, but yeah I sure hope I'll be strong enough.
Not feeling it tonight though. Don't feel strong at all, feeling rather defeated right now honestly, but yeah that's probably just my lack of sleep and frustration talking...
Gosh it's 11.38pm. I wanted to sleep earlier tonight but I just had to let all of these out. Apologies for all the negativity in this post sigh. I'll try to write a more positive one next time.