Been feeling super frustrated with myself these days. We spend the bulk of everyday doing ward work/admin stuff, and when I get home everyday I'm just so tired and seriously can't get much good studying done. Feeling so so exasperated. I want to and NEED (++++++) to study, in the most intense hardcore way you can ever imagine, for the catastrophe called MBBS that's only 250+ days away. But recently I find that I really can't bring myself to do that when I'm tired, and then I just get so annoyed at myself and beat myself up about it over and over again. And sometimes I have half a mind to just screw it all and let it be. This lack of progress and conflicting feelings are irritating me to no end. Can't even bring myself to type a sad smiley.

Idk what this is. PMS? Quarter-life crisis? Lately I just keep getting these bouts of frustration/bad mood in general. Idk why I'm letting all these stress get to me... I can't help it and can't help feeling like I'm drowning. Like on the inside. I mean I'm okay in school, I'm okay around my friends, but when I get home I'm just so tired and then I look at all the messy stuff I have to study (+ not knowing how and where to start, even) and I think about MBBS in March 2016 and I just feel so AWFUL. These feelings always creep when I let my guard down at home, when I let one whole day's worth of fatigue take over. And whenever these moments strike I just feel even more antisocial and closed off to the rest of the world. There are only a few people I truly feel comfortable about sharing my stresses with, and sadly my own parents aren't in this group. I don't ever outrightly tell them that I'm stressed or explain the challenges I face unless I'm truly on the verge of an inevitable breakdown (and it has happened before, like before A levels), because they have better things to worry about and I'm a big girl who needs to grow the hell up and learn how to properly cope with these things herself. Although most of the time they can probably tell by the way I'm acting. Yeah, I really don't hide these things well, as much as I'd really really like to.

So yup when I'm feeling screwed up like this, apart from the few people (that I can count on just one hand), I really can't be bothered to care much about anyone else or anything else that goes on around me. Like just let me be a hermit and wallow in self pity. I mean I'm usually pretty quiet and antisocial anyway on a daily basis, but not to the extent of bordering cold/unfriendly/scary, even. But when the stress monster starts eating me up from inside, I become that, as much as I try my best to avoid it. At least to rest of the world who don't fit on that one hand.

I feel like if there's anyone who truly deserves to fail MBBS now it's probably me. Idk, am I having too high expectations or being too hard on myself? I really don't think so. I feel like I need to wake the f up but I'm too tired everyday to do that and everyone else is charging forward all gungho and adrenaline-pumped and flying past me towards the finish line. Idk why I'm feeling so screwed up when it's only been a little more than a week into M5. SIP has been fine, I'm learning useful practical stuff in the wards, I do feel kinda useful being a somewhat functioning "HO", things have been going fairly smoothly, nothing particularly terrible has happened and I haven't killed anyone with my incompetence. But... idk, the thought of my upcoming minicex in the near future (Monday) and the dreadful MBBS in the not so distant future just sends thick, bloody, bilious, projectile vomit up my GIT. I'm not freaking ready for any of the things that are coming my way.

And lol see, I type lengthy blog posts when I'm stressed and now I'm feeling retarded and screwed up again for wasting time on things like this instead of spending it on like, idk, studying. My day ends at 8pm tomorrow and I can forget about getting anything else done after that, so today was actually a relatively early and free day compared to most of my other days... and this is what I spend my precious time doing. Seems like any amount of time I spend NOT studying makes me feel like I need to be shot/hanged/fed to lions/thrown off the Himalayas. Seems like every damn thing I do perpetuates this stress. Haha I can never win, can I?
Sigh. I need to pray for peace before these negative thoughts consume me further. There's just been too much noise in my head and in my heart recently and I need to find my way back to being positive, and to trusting, believing, and having faith. I do usually have a habit of pumping myself with positive thoughts once in awhile, but well... these things do run/wear out because they don't last forever, and it comes to a point where I can't even fake it or even pretend to be fine and dandy and positive and everything just goes spiralling down from there, until my next burst of positivity finds me. So please calm my heart, God, please fill me up with optimism again and take these bad feelings away from me, because I really can't do it on my own... I really can't.

Sigh, I should sleep soon. I'm sorry for rambling so much. I usually try to inject smilies and positivity into my posts and paint a beautiful picture of life with unicorns and rainbows and all things that sparkle and glitter, but it's late now and my brain's working on overdrive so it's not really filtering or proof-reading anything and it's just churning out every single random thought it can find no matter how bad/incoherent/stupid.

Haha I actually do look forward to sleeping everyday. Very, very much. Apart from recharging my dying biological battery it's a great way to take a break from reality. Escapism, anyone?

Goodnight and sorry my friends, I'll be happier tomorrow

Labels: depressed, m5, mbbs, SIGH, SIP, sleepy, stressed, tired, worried